[Indexed as: Cassidy, Robert, “Men and Divorce, Part 2: Divorce Triggers Emotional Reaction,” syndicated (Field Enterprises), Feb. 7, 1977]

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Do you think of the divorcing husband as some kind of Tarzan — swinging freely from posh supper club to bachelor pad with a gorgeous (young) woman on his arm? Wrong, asserts writer-editor Robert Cassidy; he’s more likely to be a “walking time bomb of emotion,” grabbing a hamburger-for-one at the corner deli. In this second of a four-part series, Cassidy candidly airs the man’s side of divorce: the ravages or “separation shock,” the price he pays for “toughing It out” In the John Wayne Image. Drawing from his own experience be tells how the divorcing husband and father — and his half-million U.S. counterparts this year alone — can match personal dignity and growth from the laws of marital defeat.

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Next to the death of a loved one, divorce is the most severe trauma an adult can experience. What is not appreciated is the tremendous toll divorce takes or men.

Women more readily express their emotions. Men going through a divorce try to hide their feelings; inside, they may be walking time bombs of emotion.

Jack was one such man. I met Jack (not his real name) in a bar in Washington, D.C. I soon teamed that this smartly dressed, handsome fellow In his early 30s had graduated near the top of his class at a prestigious Eastern college, now worked as a sales supervisor for a major corporation, and was in line for a high-level government job. He owned a big house in the suburbs and all the trappings of a comfortable life.

I learned, too, that Jack was deeply tormented by his pending divorce. He just couldn’t understand it. Throughout his life, he had succeeded in everything. Now his marriage was about to fall apart. He was lonely, angry, bewildered. The suddenness of his wife’s departure had totally bewildered him. The only comfort he could find was in a drink.

Jack’s reaction is what Mel Krantzler, author of “Creative Divorce” calls ‘separation shock.’” Suddenly, the man finds that all he has come to depend on — wife, children, friends, job, home — are in danger of being lost.

This shock can trigger a wide variety of emotional and physical reactions. “I was going through quite a trauma,” says a Wisconsin man. “I broke out in hives and was injured four or five limes in accidents.”

“The court fight put me under a terrible strain. I got some terrible headaches,” a Missouri man admits.

“I couldn’t eat,” recalls a Chicagoan. “I caught pneumonia, lost 20 pounds and looked like walking death. I went to work one morning and almost punched my foreman.”

Such strong emotional and physical reactions occur just as the divorcing man has to worry about money, home, children — indeed, his entire future. “He’s making important decisions at the worst possible tie,” comments Herbert Goldberg, professor of psychology, California State University at Los Angeles, and author of “The Hazards of Being Male.”

Anger is the most universal reaction for men – anger at having married in the first place, anger at oneself for not having made the marriage work.

But anger produces a unique reaction in men. In divorce, says psychologist Goldberg, men don’t want to show their anger because they’re afraid of being seen as bullies: “The man lends to compare himself unfavorably to the woman, as being cold and aggressive. He has a tendency lo be self-destructive and he overcompensates by being a super-nice guy.”

By holding in his anger, the divorcing man allows the pain and hurt to churn up inside him, eventually causing more harm than if he had expressed his feelings. His wife, having released her feelings, is able eventually to deal with them. She is ready for personal growth; he, in contrast is still an emotional infant.

Tied to anger is a sense of guilt. “Even if they wanted the divorce, many men say. ‘I wonder if I could have made the marriage work,’” reports E. Mavis Hetherington, professor of psychology at the University of Virginia.

Guilt causes men to do rash things. “When it came time for the property settlement, even though I could have had half the property, I gave it up,” a Pennsylvania man confesses. “I was so filled with guilt, I gave her everything.”

Little else matches the feeling of loss that accompanies divorce, which is why some experts compare it to the death of a loved one. In a sense, a piece of the man’s life has been torn out of him. He may pine after his wife, remembering only the good times and possibly hoping for a reconciliation.

Although feelings of anger and outright expressions of hate may prevail, the divorcing man often has feelings of attachment and even love for his wife.

There is loneliness, too. We tend to think of the divorcing man as blithe and carefree — dining in fancy clubs, drinking the hours away, and enjoying the company of a different woman every night.

Nothing is further from the truth. The divorced man may eat out — likely in the corner drugstore or delicatessen because he hasn’t learned to cook for himself.

Drinking and carousing? Yes, that goes on too. In an effort to drown his sorrows. Sexual escapades? Perhaps, but most men admit that this kind of sex is emotionally unfulfilling.

The recently divorced men I know yearn for a home-cooked meal, a decent place to live, and the companionship of their children and families. They hardly lead the wild life.

The problem with most men during divorce is that they can’t face up to their own emotions. They’ve been conditioned since childhood to believe that only women weep and throw tantrums. Men have the John Wayne image ingrained in them.

Duke would never admit to hurting inside. Thus, many men experiencing the shock of separation and divorce have no outlet for their inner grief. They’re afraid to talk to other men about their problems for fear of being thought unmanly — or worse, of having homosexual tendencies.

Everything they’ve learned from boyhood on has taught them to face up to the divorce like a man. To most men, that means “toughing it out” alone. The worst (and “weak”) -thing would be to seek professional help from a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist. “Men are resistant to getting help,” affirms Mel Roth, a New York City therapist who holds group sessions for divorced men. “If you need help, most men think, you’re worthless.”

This attitude is off-base. “The strong, healthy man is the one who seeks help,” counsels Mel Krantzler. Seeking help — whether from a professional counselor, friends, another man who has been through divorce — is not an admission of failure, but a sign of progress. It shows that the man is willing to lace up to emotional consequences of the divorce, learn from that experience, and go on to build a new and belter life for himself.

There’s a practical side to this, too. The divorcing man who confronts his anger, loss and emotional hang-ups will be in a much more stable position to make decisions about the practical issues involved in the divorce — the property settlement, deciding custody of the children, money mailers, and soon.

Men must learn how to turn the divorce — a wrenching and frightening emotional experience — into an opportunity for renewed self-awareness and personal growth. “The man must learn to look at the divorce experience and see how it can be a growth experience, not a downer,” maintains Shirley Gehrke Luthman, co-director of the Family Therapy Institute of Marin County in San Rafael, Calif.

Instead of hiding their emotions behind a protective shield of male chauvinism, men must learn to open themselves up emotionally and address their innermost feelings. Only then can they effectively put the divorce behind them and develop a sense of self-worth and renewed vigor for the new life ahead.

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Part 1: “Do Divorce Laws Favor Women?” Feb. 6, 1977

Part 2: “Divorce Triggers Emotional Reaction,” Feb. 7, 1977

Part 3: “What Happens to Divorced Fathers,” Feb. 8, 1977

Part 4: “Divorce Can Lead to Personal Growth,” Feb. 9, 1977

NOTE

Dates of publication and titles vary from paper to paper.

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