[Indexed as: Cassidy, Robert, “Men and Divorce, Part 4: Divorce Can Lead to Personal Growth,” syndicated (Field Enterprises), Feb. 9, 1977]

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The secret of living the good life eludes many divorce-scalded men. Afraid of jumping from lie frying pan into the fire, they shun new attachments and are apt to turn morosely inside themselves. In this last of a four-part series, author-editor Robert Cassidy, himself a survivor of divorce, shows divorcing men in America — more than half a million this year alone — how to look better and feel better fast.

He gives pointers on today’s fast-paced “dating game” — where to go and whom to go with — and offers the promise of a fresh lease on life and remarried love.

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Is there life after divorce? That’s the question many men ask after they have faced the discrimination of the courts, the emotional problems or the separation, the financial worries, the pain of losing their children.

The answer is, yes, there is life alter divorce. And it can be rewarding and worthwhile, provided the man uses the divorce as a learning experience to gain increased self-awareness that will lead to personal growth.

The period after a divorce is a lime or tremendous emotional flux. The divorced man can use that opportunity to belter himself and his relationship with his children, friends and others. Or he can allow the divorce to eat away at him — driving him to fits of anger or frustration or turning him completely inside himself so he becomes apathetic, withdrawn and uncommunicative.

The choice is there for every man — to learn from the divorce experience and grow with it, or to be defeated by it. That would be the biggest mistake — to give in to the emotional strain. It’s all right to feel sorry for oneself or to be bitter about the “wasted years” — for a while. But after a certain point, the divorced man has to step out from behind his anger and bitterness and live.

It’s also a grave mistake to ignore the inner torment. Most men hate to face emotional issues. They’re more comfortable making business deals or repairing a car than they are examining their own lives with an eye toward self-development and growth.

It is important to call upon the resources of the community for help Many have reputable menial-health services where men can seek advice and help from skilled psychologists and counselors. The cost is usually pegged to income.

Then there are the support groups such as Parents Without Partners, Divorce Anonymous (similar to Alcoholics Anonymous) and the many men’s rights organizations springing up around the country. In such groups, the newly divorced man is sure to find others with a similar experience on whom he can call for advice and support.

Most importantly, the recently divorced man should ask, “What do I want for myself?” Forget about what others demand for a moment. What can you do for yourself? “I’ve learned that I’m important,” says a Washington, D C., man.

“I’m not the best person, but I’m not the worst. I have things to give. I have things to do with my life.”

This man has achieved self-respect and self-love which is not the same thing as selfishness. The old adage that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself rings true. Your relationships with your children, friends, and “significant others” will grow only if you do something about achieving personal growth. Divorce often creates the opportunity to make that change.

Sometimes the transformation into a new you can start very simply — buying some new clothes, getting a different hairstyle. Mel Roth, a New York City therapist, tells of one man in a divorced men’s group who couldn’t understand why no woman wanted to date him. When the others pointed to his weight — over 300 pounds – he dieted down to 150 and found his problem solved.

Making that leap of faith into a new life requires the divorced man to open himself up to new and different relationships. He should begin with those closest to him.

What has he learned about his relationship with his children, for example? Many fathers find the divorce acts as a catalyst that actually brings them closer to their children than they were before the family split up.

Men should also look at their friendships with other men. Part of the problem men go through in divorce is that they really have no peers with whom they can discuss their deep inner emotions. The divorce can teach men that their new life opens the door to closer relationships with other men, without their having to fear their masculinity is being challenged.

Then there is the whole dating game. Getting back into contact with women is difficult for many men, especially those who have been married a long lime. The rules of courtship change rapidly these days, thanks to the sexual revolution.

Etiquette, for example, is terribly complicated. Do you light her cigarette or hold the car door for her? Some women expect the old-fashioned treatment, others abhor it.

The problem is, you don’t know when lo do what. It’s important for newly divorced men lo sort out their own feelings about male/female relationships. They should ask themselves: Am I sufficiently secure in my own masculinity to be able to relate positively to women? Or do I find myself resorting to currently unacceptable sexual stereotypes?

Divorced men who acted like male chauvinists with their ex-wives may find themselves rudely awakened when confronted by today’s liberated women.

But, if the divorced man has clearly defined his own self-image, this problem will evaporate.

In trying to meet women, many recently divorced men make the mistake of looking in the wrong places. They rely exclusively on the singles’ circuit and probably meet many women with whom they have nothing in common — except that they patronize the same bars.

My advice to divorced men is to seek out people who share their interests. Join a ski club or try tennis lessons. Many cities have book clubs, culture societies, adult education programs and other activities where the suddenly single man can meet people — both women and men — who share his enthusiasm for a particular subject. If you start out with at least one thing in common, chances are you’ll find other areas of mutual interest. At least you’ll be one step ahead of the singles-bar routine.

The period after divorce is often a time of sexual experimentation with many women, sometimes followed by stretches of monogamous relationships. Eventually, though, most men seek out some form of long-term personal commitment. “When we ask people what they want, almost all of them say, ‘A deep, long-lasting relationship with a person of the opposite sex,’” notes Mel Krantzler, director of The Creative Divorce National Counseling Center in San Rafael, Cal.

The commitment to love again is difficult to make. Some men must overcome the feeling that all women are replicas of their wives. Others purposely come on too strong with the women they meet, acting up for rejection. These are all symptoms of fear of entering into another serious relationship. But the man who has worked out his own feelings about his divorce will be comfortable in his new relationships and, in time, will be ready for the kind of deep, personal commitment that most adults want.

The ultimate commitment is remarriage. If Oscar Wilde was right, remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Apparently, Wilde is not read by many divorced American men. Four-fifths of whom walk to the altar a second lime.

Divorced men should wait a while before jumping into a new marriage. It takes anywhere from two to four years to recuperate from the emotional effects of the original separation, according to Robert S. Weiss, author of “Marital Separation.” The divorced man should wed carefully, making sure he has thought through the meaning of his previous marriage so that he can be fully prepared for his next one.

It is possible to learn from past mistakes, to build upon that new knowledge, and to come out a lot happier in the long run. That’s the secret of life after divorce: to face up to the emotional stress, the pain, the sense of loss and to go on to become not just a different man, but a better one.

END OF SERIES

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Part 1: “Do Divorce Laws Favor Women?” Feb. 6, 1977

Part 2: “Divorce Triggers Emotional Reaction,” Feb. 7, 1977

Part 3: “What Happens to Divorced Fathers,” Feb. 8, 1977

Part 4: “Divorce Can Lead to Personal Growth,” Feb. 9, 1977

NOTE

Dates of publication and titles vary from paper to paper.

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